The Happiest Person She's Known

She leans in close

And over the din of voices, tells me

"You're the happiest person I've ever known."

And I fight to stop my eyes welling up

As I wonder

What in the world she's been shown.

Who is it that she sees?

A smiling face, sure

But on bended knees

Because I haven't felt like the happiest

Since long before she's met me.

Those introduced to me with the darkness that's grown

Still see the light

Despite the sadness to which I'm prone

And what does that mean,

That they insist on a different image seen?

Those things don't align at all in my head

And those things don't align at all while I'm lying in bed

Tortured over who I was or who I might have been.

"You're the happiest person I've ever known."

But the sadness is there

All mine to own.

Is it lying then, to hear these words

And hold my tongue?

Is it lying then

To let these praises be sung?

Because I know better

And I know different

That the happiness I project

Is just a mark I hope to hit

But the sadness inside me

Is something I hold and I protect

Tangible and real

Valid and made of steel

Because who would I be without it?

How does one stay humble without the memories of humiliation?

How does one stay empathetic without the intimate knowledge of pain?

Kind without having been treated without kindness?

Who would I be,

Were these things taken from me?

I am my trauma.

And everyone wants to tell you that's not true

But isn't it?

Traumas built me

Every moment in our lives

Good and bad

Builds us slowly

Til there's a person to be had

A collection of memories

Of choices

Of moments

Traumas included

So yes, I am my traumas

And maybe I fear the day they leave

Because good or bad...

That's a part of me

And I've spent so long losing myself

I don't know if I can stand to put much more on the shelf

Covered up and labeled neatly

All those times the world has beat me

And whether the world used the mask of a stranger or a friend

The wounds appear just the same in the end

And yes, some scars are fainter than others

But in the initial attack, we all still suffer.

But I'm the happiest person she's ever known

And while that brings me joy,

Inwardly, I suppress a groan

Because what does that say for the world we've been shown

That a sad, broken girl

Could hold such a title...

Or sit on such a throne.

Til next time,
~Placebo Poet